threat assessment analysis & response (or, how to take a bullet)

emmi is now officially fully mobile. she is running, jumping, spinning, diving, dancing, and charging headfirst like jim effin' brown right into the side of the sofa. however, sometimes her confidence outweighs her skill, and because of this, i have become an expert in predicting how something is going to happen. like some sort of toddler nostradamus, i can now tell when she is going to try and jump off of the couch and to either stop her or catch her before she falls face-first into the floor. i see her lose her balance before she even realizes she's falling off the lawn chair. i am, for all intents and purposes, a not so secret service agent. i'm a few steps behind, letting her do her thing, until trouble materializes. i've even jumped in front of her and gotten hit with a wiffle ball bat to keep her from getting hit while playing a bit too close to some older kids. i am the one that goes into the bouncy air castle with her and tosses bigger kids to the side if they jump too close. even my relatives are amazed at how i seem to swoop in like frickin batman and save her from crashing into the side of a picnic table. be it an outside threat, or simply saving her from herself, it is now my job to make sure she doesn't hurt herself.

it isn't as easy as it looks, really, and i have the nearly empty bottle of advil to prove it. am i being overprotective? perhaps, but at this stage, i prefer overprotectiveness over a trip to the emergency room. for her at least. it remains to be seen if i will need to go for myself.

thinking too far ahead (or, how to guarantee compliance when the time comes)

emmi is not even crawling yet, but i have already given much thought to the fact that she is a girl. as i have experienced, having a baby girl is a wonderful thing. but having a baby girl also means that in the not too distant future i will have a teenage girl. and along with teenage girls there is the certainty of teenage boys.

i know my kind, and i am seriously distrustful of them. the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) piece of advice i got about girls vs. boys is: when you have a boy, you only have to worry about one penis. when you have a girl, you have to worry about all of them. and yes, i may be getting a bit too far ahead of myself, but i have already become the overprotective dad.

i already have the lecture planned. it goes a little something like this:

emmi, i'm going to let you in on a secret: boys are stupid. they do not know their ass from their elbow, and when it comes to girls they are especially mentally challenged. it’s nothing you did, and it's not your fault, but unfortunately you have to deal with it. however, if you go into it knowing they are dumb as bricks, you will a. not waste as much time on any one particular dope, and 2. not get your feelings hurt when they act like morons. and they will act like morons.

as for compliance, i have that planned out too! i don’t believe in overt threats. however, like grand moff tarkin in star wars, i believe in fear. i also believe in psychological warfare. i have quite a few large kitchen knives. and on date night, when he comes to pick her up, they will need sharpening. another night, perhaps i’ll be quartering a chicken for dinner using a very large cleaver. maybe her uncle, the licensed texas gun owner, will be over cleaning his 9 millimeter. whichever method, the message should be understood, even if she is dating the densest meathead she can find.

have i over thought all this? i’m sure i have. but in my estimation, it’s never too early to prepare. and to start sharpening the knives.