Wednesday, May 12, 2010

the booger (or, how to not rip your child's nose off her face.)

i am 33 years old, but for better or worse, i am still a child. so when i see something funny i immediately revert back to a 6 year old and giggle like a hyena. however, things are slowly changing. so when i noticed my daughter had a little booger hanging off her nose, i chuckled. that was until i tried to remove it. removing a booger from a 5 month old nose is like trying to pick up one grain of rice with the world's biggest set of chopsticks.

first, i tried to use my finger. yes, i tried to pick my daughter's nose. no luck. then a burp cloth, and she didn't take too kindly to that. at this point she gets a little fussy and starts to breathe a little quicker. now the booger is mocking me, popping in and out of her nostril like the world's smallest whack-a-mole. i tried to time my wipe so that i can get this little nugget into the burp cloth on the exhale while it's sticking out. keep in mind she is now wiggling around and i'm trying to keep her from falling while trying to time my strike. again, nothing. now i'm getting annoyed. how in the hell do you do this? i think about using tweezers, but at the rate she is wiggling now i'd probably unintentionally pierce her nose. i try the grown up way, taking the burp cloth, putting it to her nose, tissue-style, pinch a little bit, still trying to keep her still because at this point one wrong move will seemingly pull her nose off her face like mr. potato head. after about 4 wipes, success! i have defeated the booger! back to normal, life is good.

then i tell my wife about it. her response? 'why didn't you use the aspirator?' 'the whaterator?' she shows me this little tool that looks like a tiny curved turkey baster. she demonstrates how to use it on a second booger that had since grown back in my daughter's nose. 15 seconds later, pop! no more booger. there really is a tool for absolutely everything, even for picking a nose.

so what has this taught us? you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your child's nose without a turkey baster.

Friday, May 7, 2010

her first mother's day (or, how to not screw up an important day)

this is her first official mother's day. yes, she got a few cards last year while pregnant, but that doesn't really count until the child is actually here. i can't help but feel like mother's day is similar to valentine's day. by this i mean that you can give her the world on that day, but it doesn't mean anything if she's treated like shit the other 364 days. but that's not the point.

my wife does everything. no seriously, i mean everything. all i need to do is mow the lawn, pick up my socks, and kill a rogue insect every now and then. without her i wouldn't know my name from my ass. so if i can take a day to do something extra special for her, i sure as shit better do so. 'something special' doesn't necessarily mean elaborate - i'm not into pomp, and luckily neither is she. but there are plenty of things you can do. i'd tell you now what we're doing, but it's a surprise. ask me next week...

happy mother's day to all you mommys out there. enjoy your day, because you deserve it. don't go too far though, just in case daddy messes something up.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

a silly idea (or, what to do during nap time.)

i am a first time parent. i have a 5 month old daughter, the first grandchild, the first great-grandchild, the first girl in my family since jehovah knows when. a first time parent needs to learn a lot real fast, and this test doesn't grade on a curve. you either fuck up or you don't. it isn't the type of job you can get away with doing a halfass job either.

anyone without kids who tries to give you parenting advice is full of shit. they've never been drooled, vomited, shit, or peed upon at 3am. they've never had to assemble a car seat. i don't care how often their nieces and nephews come over, it isn't the same.

that being said, i don't know what the hell i'm doing. there are times when i just look at her while she's screaming and say 'what did i do to break her and how the hell am i gonna fix her?' sometimes you come up with the silliest shit you can think of, and no matter how ridiculous it sounds, you think it's the best idea ever.

writing this is one of those silly ideas. this is a place for me to rant, rave, brag, bitch, complain, praise, expose problems, and offer solutions, however dumb they may be. basically, i'll describe what it's like to be a daddy. i hope you enjoy it, but if something i write here offends you, too bad. if any of this becomes helpful to you, great. if not, you at least know that i've been pooped on in the middle of the night, and that will at least give you an interesting visual.