Wednesday, May 12, 2010

the booger (or, how to not rip your child's nose off her face.)

i am 33 years old, but for better or worse, i am still a child. so when i see something funny i immediately revert back to a 6 year old and giggle like a hyena. however, things are slowly changing. so when i noticed my daughter had a little booger hanging off her nose, i chuckled. that was until i tried to remove it. removing a booger from a 5 month old nose is like trying to pick up one grain of rice with the world's biggest set of chopsticks.

first, i tried to use my finger. yes, i tried to pick my daughter's nose. no luck. then a burp cloth, and she didn't take too kindly to that. at this point she gets a little fussy and starts to breathe a little quicker. now the booger is mocking me, popping in and out of her nostril like the world's smallest whack-a-mole. i tried to time my wipe so that i can get this little nugget into the burp cloth on the exhale while it's sticking out. keep in mind she is now wiggling around and i'm trying to keep her from falling while trying to time my strike. again, nothing. now i'm getting annoyed. how in the hell do you do this? i think about using tweezers, but at the rate she is wiggling now i'd probably unintentionally pierce her nose. i try the grown up way, taking the burp cloth, putting it to her nose, tissue-style, pinch a little bit, still trying to keep her still because at this point one wrong move will seemingly pull her nose off her face like mr. potato head. after about 4 wipes, success! i have defeated the booger! back to normal, life is good.

then i tell my wife about it. her response? 'why didn't you use the aspirator?' 'the whaterator?' she shows me this little tool that looks like a tiny curved turkey baster. she demonstrates how to use it on a second booger that had since grown back in my daughter's nose. 15 seconds later, pop! no more booger. there really is a tool for absolutely everything, even for picking a nose.

so what has this taught us? you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your child's nose without a turkey baster.

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