Monday, June 14, 2010

thinking too far ahead (or, how to guarantee compliance when the time comes)

emmi is not even crawling yet, but i have already given much thought to the fact that she is a girl. as i have experienced, having a baby girl is a wonderful thing. but having a baby girl also means that in the not too distant future i will have a teenage girl. and along with teenage girls there is the certainty of teenage boys.

i know my kind, and i am seriously distrustful of them. the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) piece of advice i got about girls vs. boys is: when you have a boy, you only have to worry about one penis. when you have a girl, you have to worry about all of them. and yes, i may be getting a bit too far ahead of myself, but i have already become the overprotective dad.

i already have the lecture planned. it goes a little something like this:

emmi, i'm going to let you in on a secret: boys are stupid. they do not know their ass from their elbow, and when it comes to girls they are especially mentally challenged. it’s nothing you did, and it's not your fault, but unfortunately you have to deal with it. however, if you go into it knowing they are dumb as bricks, you will a. not waste as much time on any one particular dope, and 2. not get your feelings hurt when they act like morons. and they will act like morons.

as for compliance, i have that planned out too! i don’t believe in overt threats. however, like grand moff tarkin in star wars, i believe in fear. i also believe in psychological warfare. i have quite a few large kitchen knives. and on date night, when he comes to pick her up, they will need sharpening. another night, perhaps i’ll be quartering a chicken for dinner using a very large cleaver. maybe her uncle, the licensed texas gun owner, will be over cleaning his 9 millimeter. whichever method, the message should be understood, even if she is dating the densest meathead she can find.

have i over thought all this? i’m sure i have. but in my estimation, it’s never too early to prepare. and to start sharpening the knives.

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